Hello

Last week, without giving it a lot of thought, I posted on Instagram a photo of the last pill in my last packet of anti-depressants.

I'd originally taken the photo, and marked it up, as a kind of mini-celebration to share with people in my house.

Obviously (?), I felt a bit exposed sharing this on Instagram, but why the heck not. After all, I’ve posted all kinds of things about having been mentally fragile in the past.

Indeed, I've stood in front of huge numbers of strangers in busy offices and told them about admitting myself to psychiatric hospital, etc etc, and people often said they found it helpful.

So anyway, that’s why I shared the pic on Instagram the other day.

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As well as feeling exposed, and HORRIBLE withdrawal symptoms that still haven’t entirely gone after more than a week, I soon found myself feeling guilty.

Why had I shared it with just about anybody on Instagram without first sharing it here in my newsletter?

This email is an attempt to make up for that by telling you what happened afterwards.

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The first thing to say is that the story received far more “views”, and more quickly, than anything I have ever shared before. Secondly, I got a lot of comments and questions in the private chat, and I thought you might like to know about that.

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One of the first replies was from a woman now living in Australia:

Sending support! I'm going to try going off antidepressants this (Aussie) spring."

I replied: Thank you. The feeling has got LESS BAD today. I'm glad I shared, if it helps you to know that others are doing it, and that it's reasonably do-able. I added that I too started in spring, came down from the maximum dose month by month, with oversight from my psychiatrist.

The next reply was from a woman in Wales: Sending love and strength to you JP - you can definitely do this. Go gently gently gently forth.

I did reply to her - but I won’t repeat EVERY reply here.

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I told the next well-wisher that when I am struggling I like to make things - pictures, writing.

Creativity is a blessing, she said, and she’s not wrong.

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Next came a message from a friend who writes an advice column for a national newspaper: All the best to you JP. Can I ask why you came off them (Just interested you don't have to answer.)

I did answer:

Thank you. I was put on them when i went into hospital and at the same time l felt myself getting worse and worse, but of course I was just generally in a terrible state, and the consequence was that the dose when up and up and up - to the full maximum amount.

Over time, I've wondered if it actually CAUSED the panic attacks and general abiding panicky feeling that I've had for years, not every day but often. I'd never had panic attacks before, and they were so scary and tiring.

I wondered about coming off the meds several years in a row but what with Other Big Things incl Covid, invasion of Ukraine etc I kept missing the chance to do it in spring, and I was petrified of going into winter feeling depressed.

Anyway, this year, with lots of support from The People Who Matter and oversight from my psychiatrist I halved the dose and halved the dose and so on until I got to the point where I was ready to stop altogether. Till now, the reductions only caused me to feel light-headed and strangely brain-hungry.

She asked: What do you mean by brain-hungry?

My explanation:

It's hard to put into words what it felt like when I was dizzy or brain hungry, or whatever. It's like a strong sense of something missing, an emptiness in my skull. If not hungry then sort of THIN. Or faded. Happily it always came back to “normal” in a few days. This week has been much worse.

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I received many more kind messages, including some from virtual strangers but also from a woman I’ve known since we studied Eng Lit together, and two journalists I know from working together on the Financial Times. One wrote:

Hi JP, well done. It's very hard isn't it? I have also come off mine this summer and it's a rocky road. I'm a bit alarmed by my emotions! I've been on a low dose for 9 years. Sunshine and swimming were helpful for me. Btw I would love to meet you for a coffee soon […] been too long. Courage. And be kind to yourself. Xxx

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A VERY well known author sent this:

You are such a lovely man. Sending you love and luck with the next bit of life. I cried all afternoon yesterday. [She explained why, but I’m not sharing that.] I feel constantly bereft. Solidarity xxx

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After quite a few of these messages, I posted again to my Instagram stories:

I was very surprised to find that this second Instagram story was ITSELF the cause of much warmth, and I felt a bit tearful all over again.

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Point is, it didn’t do me any obvious harm sharing the fact that I was coming off anti-depressants.

I’m mean, that’s a good thing, no?

JPF

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PS. If you think anybody else might like to get my newsletter ⬇️, please pass this on.

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